We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
