Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
