The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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