don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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