I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
