First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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