Christians are straight up FREAKS
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
