I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
