Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I wish I only lived at night.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Randomize
