just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
