Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
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there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
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ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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