Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
