Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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