Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
