Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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