I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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