you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
