So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Of course I have a pirate flag
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
