I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
