the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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