We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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