Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
