I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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