Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
