complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
