You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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