After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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