Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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