I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
