We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
