Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
