I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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