I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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