6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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