I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
