Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
