Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
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Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
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Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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