I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
