I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
