How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You pole danced in your parka.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
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