I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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