I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
