our cab driver is having phone sex.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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