When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
