I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
