my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
