you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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