his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I want a musical about memes.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
