In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
