So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
