i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
