its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
