At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
