Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
