It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
