Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
