Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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